There She Goes

Itu judulnya dari lirik lagu Sore, kemarin terngiang-ngiang saat nonton Dear Nathan. Salma itu contoh manusia yang perlu dilestarikan haha. Keren.

Ini saya nulis pagi-pagi sebelum berangkat ke kantor. Seburu-buru itu karena media saya bicara sedang terbatas dan ini mesti disampaikan. Ceilah haha. Saya lagi puasa twitter dan IG karena jempol saya sakit, cape ngescroll wkwkwkwkkw. Alasan yang konyol. Padahal karena ngejar baca Detective Conan haha. Ya suda intronya sekian saja, marilah simak saya cerita.

There was a friend whom I trust much that I spilled out some of my insecurities to her. It was not instant-trust or so-called-chemistry in romance novel. Our journey was long, long enough that we began to understand there were things that we do differently, and thankfully those weren't enough to separate us. Lucky for us.

We had pushed pause and restart button many times. Basically because we were that kind of different that we need to pause and take a rest from the relationship. Sometimes we were back at each other with recharged energy (thanks to different circle of friend we had), sometimes with drained energy and lost soul. Finally, I was ready to put best before the word -friend.

As the graduation day approached us, I started to feel afraid. Of losing each other. Of not being able to meet as often as we used to. Lucky that the feeling was mutual, and we started to make some plan. With hope that separation meant nothing for a strong bond.

Eventually after months gone by, hardship, separation, and early-adult crisis shaped something inside me (and inside her I guess) that made the difference we had grew stronger. It was to the point that we knew we need each other but could not spend time together too often. If not, one of us would suffer. Sound too dramatic but yeah we certainly will.

We got another pause, the longest we had, until 2 months ago. I was so happy that my long lost friend was back. With her stories of how her workplace changed these past months, of how she loved challenges at work, of how her friends there trusted her with some secret. I know she was not that type of person who shares how she feels easily. So I appreciate that trust. Her laugh brought me relieve that I was still her go-to friend.  We even managed to meet this December, finally after 8 months being separated. Exciting 2 hours talk that melted all the cold ice in between. Then I crossed the line.

Maybe the joke we threw was too sensitive. Maybe I misinterpreted a danger sign. We both talked the same language, the code. And yea, maybe that time my decoding process was not 100% successful. And causing my response to the joke in the next two days was not something she expected. I guess. Or maybe she was not joking in the first place. I don't know for sure, even until now.

Then I left it there, the awkwardness.

When I reached out to some important people in my life yesterday, to say the cliche "happy new year" in hope that they will know they matter, she (who was in the list of course) gave me a surprise sentence. I spoil you some example (though it is not the actual convo):

Some weeks ago, 

X: "hey I miss the time you came to my house and talking to the cat. He missed you"

Y: "oh really? I actually dont like him hahahaha kidding. I will still go there dont worry"

Then
Y: "happy new year"

X: "hey shouldve told you this before. Actually my cat died some time ago"

There.

It is complicated because what I said is the truth, but I shouldnt have to say that if she told me earlier about the news. I am mad at myself for not being considerate. So, I apologized right away then she said it is her fault for not letting me know. That calms me down a little bit but another part of me in fact also feel bad because she is still my go-to friend while it seems i am not hers anymore. Right now when I want to support her, because she is my friend afterall, I don't know anything about the news and what I should do about it. One thing I am certain of is she doesn't want to talk about it. I need to wait.

You are correct, the cat in the actual conversation resemble bigger issue. So maybe it is hard to share something like that. Let's give her some time. That will also give me some time to think and feel better.

Maybe this is the end of our story, or maybe this is just another pause (ofc I hope for the latter). Til we meet again, dear. You know where to call. #CharliePuth-OneCallAway

Panjang ya haha. Glad to spoil this here. Happy new year guys!! Ini lagi drama aja, biasanya ngga begini kok wkwk.

Btw, partner saya di kantor bilang "Ini resolusi 2018 ya? Jam segini udah di kantor tumben" Wkwkwkwkw. Manfaat juga ya ternyata ga scroll twitter pagi-pagi.

Tambahan: Terinspirasi dari seorang selebtweet, saya mau ngetweet ini tadi tapi gajadi. Takut disangka nyindir. Padahal mah masih nyesel asli.
"Jadi gini guys, kemarin aku marah-marah karena ga dikabarin sebuah berita bahagia. Padahal kan ga boleh maksa teman untuk cerita ya kalo belum siap. Jangan jadi org kaya aku ya guys. Hehe"
Mara-mara nda penting gitu jatohnya. Untung dia sabar jadi saya ngga dibales amukan. Semoga dia selalu bahagia dan baik hati.