Actually doing it

Part 3/4

Ok now we already neutralize negative emotions, we are calmer, we know the end result we want, and ready to start a dialogue. It is time to actually doing it. There's no one way to have difficult conversation, but there's a model that we can use from part 3&4 of the course.

1. State your purpose
2. Present your observations
• State a fact and avoid assumption
• Don't sound judgemental or threatening
• Speak about specific and observable behavior. 
• What they are doing that they shouldn't be doing?
• What they aren't doing that they should be doing?
• Eliminate general comment like always and never
3. Listen and invite feedback
4. State your request
• Ask for what you want. Identify one behavior you want to see
5. Create accountability

At this point, I understand that difficult conversation can and will end in a good term if both parties understand and focus on what they really want. Now the important thing before going outside is to resolve inner conflict first. Focus on what you want instead of what you don't want.

Example from my personal story: I want to provide a good environment for a child to grow. I don't want to mess up someone's life because of my incompetence. When I focus on what I don't want, the conversation will go around not having children. Preventing the bad things to happen by not starting anything at all. But when I focus on what I want instead of what I don't want, the productive conversation will happen around what can I prepare from now to provide what is needed in the future, what help do I need, and so on. While the possibility to mess up is still there, the difficult conversation happen and the action plan and accountability is presented.

On to the next one is to find your why. I want to blablabla because I blablabla. The why is the bigger picture. Once you see the bigger picture, you can see the risk is worth taking. So in the same story as above, if I could discover my bigger picture of why I want a good environment for a child to grow, why is it important to me, then I can see if the effort being put and the risk that comes with it is worth taking.

The last part is visualize a positive outcome. Talk about what you want, the future, not talking about the past / the problem. For me when I reflect on this, it is not that I turn a blind eye about the past. It is more like, "What can we do to compensate that past/problem? Okay in the future I can do this and that, I need your help here and there. Will you be willing to help, will you be willing to do it together?"

This course has been very helpful.

Now I follow Marlene Chism words like a religion (might be for some time before it grew on me and I got tired like what happened with Jessica Dore & Maryam Hasnaa hahaha).