Actually doing it

Part 3/4

Ok now we already neutralize negative emotions, we are calmer, we know the end result we want, and ready to start a dialogue. It is time to actually doing it. There's no one way to have difficult conversation, but there's a model that we can use from part 3&4 of the course.

1. State your purpose
2. Present your observations
• State a fact and avoid assumption
• Don't sound judgemental or threatening
• Speak about specific and observable behavior. 
• What they are doing that they shouldn't be doing?
• What they aren't doing that they should be doing?
• Eliminate general comment like always and never
3. Listen and invite feedback
4. State your request
• Ask for what you want. Identify one behavior you want to see
5. Create accountability

At this point, I understand that difficult conversation can and will end in a good term if both parties understand and focus on what they really want. Now the important thing before going outside is to resolve inner conflict first. Focus on what you want instead of what you don't want.

Example from my personal story: I want to provide a good environment for a child to grow. I don't want to mess up someone's life because of my incompetence. When I focus on what I don't want, the conversation will go around not having children. Preventing the bad things to happen by not starting anything at all. But when I focus on what I want instead of what I don't want, the productive conversation will happen around what can I prepare from now to provide what is needed in the future, what help do I need, and so on. While the possibility to mess up is still there, the difficult conversation happen and the action plan and accountability is presented.

On to the next one is to find your why. I want to blablabla because I blablabla. The why is the bigger picture. Once you see the bigger picture, you can see the risk is worth taking. So in the same story as above, if I could discover my bigger picture of why I want a good environment for a child to grow, why is it important to me, then I can see if the effort being put and the risk that comes with it is worth taking.

The last part is visualize a positive outcome. Talk about what you want, the future, not talking about the past / the problem. For me when I reflect on this, it is not that I turn a blind eye about the past. It is more like, "What can we do to compensate that past/problem? Okay in the future I can do this and that, I need your help here and there. Will you be willing to help, will you be willing to do it together?"

This course has been very helpful.

Now I follow Marlene Chism words like a religion (might be for some time before it grew on me and I got tired like what happened with Jessica Dore & Maryam Hasnaa hahaha).

Before a difficult conversation

Part 2/4

So I am now in the second section of the course by Marlene Chism. Key takeaway from this part:

• Never initiate a conversation when you are overly emotional. Wait until you have some time to think about your desired end result.
• Talk face-to-face or at least by phone call.
• Seek understanding. Hear the other person's point of view before you make them the enemy.
• Stay focused. Keep your end result in mind. Resist temptation to argue about the past and non-relevant issues.
• Ask yourself this three questions:
• What is my narrative about the other person? Master your narrative. If we aren't aware of the stories we tell ourselves, we start to believe everything we think.
• What questions can I ask to break my bias and start a dialogue? Cultivate curiosity.
• Have I initiated a conversation with the source of the problem? Go straight to the source (and avoid gossip 😛).

To share you the news, I am adding another book to my when-will-I-read-these list thanks to black friday sale.

LOL.

What makes a conversation difficult?

Part 1/4

A conversation that seems uncomfortable to one person may seem straightforward to another. There are many variables that come into play.

1. The situation

Something is happening that you don't want to happen or something is not happening that you do want to happen.

2. The relationship

Define the relationship. How much do you care and what's the risk? When our conflict is with someone we care about, it can be really difficult. We worry about damaging the relationship.

3. The power structure

Is it a superior like a boss, a parent, a mentor, equal like a colleague or a peer, or your employee or mentee?

4. The emotions and the feelings

What emotions might surface for the other person or for you?

Saya belajar topik ini lewat LinkedIn Learning dengan harapan jadi people manager yang lebih baik di kantor. Sepuluh menit video berjalan, eh lho kok saya menangis haha. Cara Marlene Chism cerita bikin saya merinding. Kekurangan saya yang selalu muncul setiap berhadapan dengan konflik dan situasi asing lainnya adalah lambatnya saya menangkap social cues. Dari cerita Marlene saya langsung merasa sayalah yang suka ga ngeh apa-apa saja yang sebabkan situasi terasa lebih sulit dibandingkan situasi lainnya. Bahkan pihak yang berada di satu konflik yang sama bisa merasakan tekanan berbeda, bergantung pada empat aspek di atas tadi. Saya sadar skill ini nggak cuma penting untuk di kerjaan tapi juga untuk kehidupan pribadi saya.

All in all, saya mengerti betul bahwa insting atau common sense ga jalan bukanlah alasan untuk tidak paham karena komunikasi bisa dipelajari dan dilatih berulang kali. Di lain sisi, keluar dari pola komunikasi kita yang lama juga bukan hal yang mudah. Cara saya untuk membantu lawan bicara yang mungkin juga mengalami kendala seperti saya adalah dengan overcommunicate. Ayo belajar terus dan saling bantu. Semangat :)

What makes a conversation difficult? from Having Difficult Conversations by Marlene Chism

Biasa Saja

Suggestion Spotify di release radar itu lagu aneh-aneh. Iya sih saya suka Halsey, tapi dulu zaman New Americana. Iya saya suka Aurora, tapi nggak ingin dengar remixnya. Akhirnya daripada dengar release radar atau Discover Weekly yang isinya gak jelas, saya pilih dengarkan album yang itu-itu saja.

Kemarin City J dari Elephant Kind. Di awal album dia sampaikan, it's not necessary to beat the ordinary. Biasa wae ngono lho.

Hidup biasa saja ala saya itu seperti hari ini. Bangun tidur kalau sudah siap bangun alias jam 8 pagi pas banget jam masuk kantor hahaha. Langsung duduk di work space, kerja fokus important task, yang gak penting ya tunggu urgent. Gak musti perfecto. Makan pagi, siang, dan sore secukupnya. Kalau lagi pengen makan empat kali ya gapapa. Tadi bikin indomie goreng sebagai snack haha. Mandi sekali sehari di jam istirahat siang atau sepengennya. Jam 6 sudah pulang. Belajar sebentar 15 menitan. Ngobrol pendek sama teman-teman dekat memastikan mereka baik-baik aja dan memberi kabar bahwa saya juga baik-baik saja. Menolak diajak olahraga karena sedang tidak ingin. Dengerin lagu, scroll twitter, rebahan di sofa. Jam 9:30 sudah siap tidur pindah rebahan di kasur.

Kerjakan yang esensial buat support hidup dulu yaitu tidur, makan, dan bersosialisasi. Kerjakan ibadah wajib dan sunnah yang mudah dulu. Leyeh-leyeh di sisa waktunya. Pelan pelan aja. Hidup nggak mesti yang gimana-gimana banget kok.

Check Point

Sudah enam bulan sejak tulisan saya tentang closure. Ada beberapa hal yang saya kagumi tentang perubahan pada diri saya. Mungkin sebenarnya kecil sekali dibandingkan perjalanan yang perlu saya tempuh. Namun, saya yakin hal ini jadi salah satu katalis proses-proses selanjutnya. Segalanya terasa lebih ringan.

Peace be upon us.